Sometimes I feel like I’m the friend people forget to surprise visit or make a big hoot about when I do something cool. Most likely this isn’t true; most likely everyone feels like that sometimes. But I think it feels a little extra crummy for me because my parents literally never celebrate me or think about me. They actually sort of go out of their way to do the opposite… So I unfortunately kind of depend on my friends/other loved ones for it. Which isn’t their fault or even their responsibility honestly. It’s just weird. I also wonder if I’m “forgotten” (if I’m even actually forgotten or if I just convince myself that cuz self-worth) because I am so empathetic and prone to shrugging things off. Like maybe they think I have a higher threshold to support myself or something. If that were true, that kinda sucks.

Also this is all vague. I kind of mean, if one of my friends almost died in a car wreck I would drop everything to go see them. Like I would go out of town if need be. Also no one makes an effort to come to Wichita for my birthday (and the people here don’t make an effort to make my birthday special). Landon would have done that this year, but we had broken up a couple days before my birthday and had felt it inappropriate to follow through and I understood. But I felt so emotional over just his *intention* to throw me a surprise party.

I dunno. This is such a pity party post. But the good news is after I post this I’ll probably get distracted and stop feeling this way. Also honestly I’m probably wrong. People I really love also really love me. I just struggle remembering what it feels like sometimes.